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the monkey question

From "ARE WE EVIL OR WHAT - Dan and Phil play: What Would You Do If.." -    • ARE WE EVIL OR WHAT - Dan and Phil pl...   What would you do if... You had to live with a monkey that would become very aggressive unless you either - Have sex with the monkey once a month - Have a loving, intimate non-sexual relationship - Marry it and become like and become like any married couple Partial transcription: Dan: “Have sex with the monkey once a month.” Phil: What? No! I’m not having sex with a monkey! Dan: “Have a loving, intimate, non-sexual relationship.” Phil: Yes. Dan: Spooning and kissing. Phil: I would spoon a monkey, for sure. Dan: Kiss. Marry. Phil: Marry? Kiss? Dan: Sleep with. Phil: I didn’t say kiss! Dan: That’s non-sexual. It can be like a friendly kiss, a romantic one. Phil: Alright. Dan: Or, “Marry and become like any married couple.” Phil: I— Dan: Mmm. So that— that could have a lot of drama and tears. Phil: I mean— Dan: You’d fight, non-aggressively. Or… I mean, you— You couldn’t have anyone else in your life— Phil: Oh my gosh. Dan: —if you have this loving relationship. Or, just once a month, spank the monkey. Phil: I’m not— no! I’m— Dan: Just once a— Phil: NO! I’m not doing it! Dan: But then you get to live a normal life! Phil: Stop it! It’s illegal! Dan: And then like a non-dramatic married life! Phil: No! I’m not— noooo! Dan: It’s the least harrowing on a day-to-day basis. Phil: Right, listen. I— Dan: It’s just one traumatizing day! Phil: Stop! Dan: And depending on the species of monkey, it might— Phil: You’re— That’s what YOU want to do! Dan: Uhhh… Phil: That’s— It sounds like you want to do that. Dan: We’re just debating right now? Don’t infer anything? Phil: Well, let me tell you my answer. I would spoon the monkey, and watch some Game of Thrones, and then go to bed, in separate rooms. Dan: What would you do if you were watching Game of Thrones and then it threw feces at the TV? Phil: I mean, I’d just have to deal with that. I’d— I’d wipe it off. Dan: Rather than just once— once a month? One— Phil: NO! Dan: Okay. Phil: That’s the end! Dan: Have a loving— Phil: No monkey sex. Dan: [laughs] Oh, I didn’t think that’s where this video would go when we started. Phil: That’s the end. That’s the end.